Being a Fat Spy in a Thin World

After the President’s stunning speech yesterday in which he discussed when he had been regarded with suspicion himself, the discussions and arguments about race are raging on. A friend brought this video to my attention. It’s a segment from the ABC television show, “What Would You Do?”

Much of the conversation is about white people understanding how real this has been for Black people. It’s a very unfortunate and difficult reality that young Black men ARE viewed with suspicion. John Howard Griffin’s 1961 book, Black Like Me remains about the only in-depth case in which a white man truly did walk in a Black man’s shoes to expose the discrimination and vicious judgment that dictated Black people were expected to “know their place” in the early 60s.

Our world would be so different if we could live the experiences of others. I have. I lived much of my life as an extremely obese woman until I lost half my bodyweight in 2005-2006. I lived through a stunning transformation that made me literally unrecognizable to people who hadn’t seen me and didn’t know what happened. I became a Fat Spy in a Thin World. Many times I mischievously “messed” with people who had no clue who this person was who seemed to know so much about them. To this day, I still cannot answer what seemed to change more—me or the way the world treated me.

In my past life for the most part, I would find myself simply ignored. There were certain times when I knew I would draw stares of disdain and even rude comments. I avoided walking through the cosmetics department of an upscale store, particularly Neiman Marcus. The ladies rooms of nice restaurants or concert venues held their own painful trap. Anywhere women would be performing exceptional primping rituals at a mirror. When I walked in, I could see them checking me out from the mirror and often making faces of disgust at each other. These would be women so brainless, they wouldn’t realize mirrors reflect both ways. On several occasions I was practically tackled by venue staff who thought I was some fat guy heading into the ladies room. I would only buy candy OR popcorn at a movie, never both. Snide remarks and even grunts and oinking sounds from people in line behind me put a stop to that.

At every job I had, I could always tell the people who just didn’t like me. They’d consistently find fault with whatever I did and come up with excuses to belittle or dismiss any of my projects. I would find my office vandalized and animal noises on my voicemail. Socially, I was simply a zero. Completely off the radar. Pretty much non-existent. But that all changed.

During the year or so that I lost weight, I also grew my hair long. By the time I re-emerged, I looked dramatically different overall. I had no idea what was waiting for me in the “outside world.” At 46 years old, I experienced many ordinary, everyday situations for the very first time. Men and women alike showed me common courtesies, like holding doors or simply chatting in that way strangers do when we find ourselves in a shared experience. Salespeople were willing to wait on me. What I found most interesting is how I could tell when people wanted to talk to me. Even more intriguing was when I realized people were trying to impress me and wanted me to like them and remember them the next time we’d meet. I got plenty of attention from men, even younger guys.

But I also found that I had infiltrated enemy lines as a spy. People would make fat jokes and insulting remarks about fat people in front of me. They didn’t know who they were with! They thought I would go along with the mockery. Instead, they’d get a metaphorical punch in the gut. Usually, I do not admit my past when this happens so they do not assume I have a personal stake in the situation. What I will do is throw disgust for the person’s ignorance and hate right back at them and hold nothing back in humiliating them as much as I can. I make sure to leave them feeling like they’ve had the worst verbal beatdown of their life.

I walked for decades with swollen ankles in the painful shoes of a fat girl. Now I’m on the “other side.” It’s been so many years, I’m used to what’s normal for me now. I appreciate that my life is easier in so many ways and of course I am the most grateful for how ridiculously healthy I am. But I am the Avenging Angel. Post a fat joke on Facebook or look askance at the fat woman who just walked past and you’d better hope I don’t catch you.

Seriously.